In my role as an Outreach worker, I see many of the pattern’s perpetrators use to exert power and control, for example, isolation techniques, gaslighting behaviours, and full denial of responsibility to name a few. Most recently, I have witnessed more victims being faced with another abusive tactic that fits under the ‘post-separation abuse’ umbrella. This is a newish term for the UK labelled ‘parental alienation’.

For those who may not have come across this before, parental alienation is not a concept easily evidenced through empirical studies and research, but it is increasingly a tool used by perpetrators of domestic abuse against their victims and their children to exert control over them in family courts. If you want to read more on its history and use in the family courts, we recommend Dr Adrienne Barnett.

In my experience, I have seen perpetrators are using it as another way of controlling the victim and convincing a judge to allow contact with them (the abusive parent) by labelling the survivor as obstructive. In fact, the non-abusive parent (usually the Mum) is just trying to protect the child/children from harm given the abuse they have been subjected to by the perpetrator.

Naturally, not wanting her children to be exposed to any further harm a Mum would of course stand in the way of abusive behaviour and protect her child, in fact it is exactly what is required of her by social care and the police, but ironically it is playing out differently and being used against many women in the family court system. It is increasingly frustrating to watch victims and survivors voice concerns about the safety of contact with an abusive parent, particularly when I share those concerns myself, to then witness some in the family courts having a problem understanding this.

Perpetrators of abuse will often use their children as a way of controlling their victim. Usually, this is through child contact. It can manifest in tactics like, never sticking to pick up or drop off times, dictating when contact will be, so the non-abusive parent has no freedom or choice, using handover times as their allotted time to continue abusing the surviving parent. I know many victims and survivors of abuse will be reading these examples and recognise these behaviours. This is only a few of the ways in which perpetrators will use their children as an excuse to continue being abusive.

The main reason for a perpetrator to use these behaviours is to continue exerting power and control, they are often continuously angry for having lost their control over their family when the abusive relationship ended. Parental alienation claims are just another tool in the abusive parents’ box, it is a skillful way of ensuring their ex-partner is labelled as in some way abusive, it discredits the domestic abuse claims they have made, and it places the perpetrator neatly in the victim box for the courts.

My advice to victims experiencing this form of post-separation abuse is to discuss this with your solicitor in the first instance if you have one. They should have the relevant knowledge on this subject, given that it doesn’t hold up in law. Liaise with your domestic abuse support worker – if you don’t have one you can contact your local service for advice; we are happy to assist in this or you can go to the Women’s Aid Website to find out who your local provider is.

I have helped survivors who have experienced claims of parental alienation by communicating with their solicitor and offering my knowledge on this topic, and I will continue to do this. I know all of us at Aurora will do all we can to ensure victims and survivors are supported through this as we know how stressful and emotionally challenging this situation can be.

My bigger problem as an advocate is what can the judiciary system do in response to Parental Alienation? Firstly, recognising it as a form of post separation abuse would go a long way in support of survivors of abuse. Survivors already feel that the courts don’t support them enough and don’t understand the dynamics of domestic abuse as well as they could, and parental alienation is another example of that. By enabling this discourse, particularly when there is a proven history of abuse from the perpetrator, this means the courts are colluding with and supporting a perpetrator to continue abusing their victim, and the children.

It is great that organisations like Aurora are becoming more aware of the tactics of Parental Alienation. In addition, many more legal professionals have an understanding of this abusive technique and are able to support their clients through the court process. The more services work together against abusers using parental alienation in court, the more awareness will be raised. This will ultimately support victims and survivors and limit the effects of post-separation abuse upon them.

Brianne – Outreach worker

If you would like to support the Aurora New Dawn charity and you are able to donate you can do so here:

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Do you think it is important for all victims of stalking to be offered an Independent stalking advocate and if so why?

Absolutely I think the police are great at dealing with the evidential side of things. But what the stalking advocate does is help you deal with the emotional side of things.

I hate to use the word victim but the stalking advocate helps the victim where no one else does, or can or has the time. It’s that bridge which is so so important, it’s a person who knows the system and can lead on it. Unlike for example a crime like robbery, most people know someone who has been robbed but not many people know someone who has been stalked. So when that happened to me, I had no point of reference, I knew no one who had been stalked or had any experience or understanding. So having someone like an independent specialist stalking advocate tell you – this is what is happening and why it is happening – is absolutely vital.

Did you think what you were experiencing was stalking? Did it surprise you when someone described it in that way to you? What was the impact?

No, I also didn’t think what I was experiencing was abusive behaviour in our relationship until I started to write it all down and document it all. So those are the major things that the stalking advocate helped me to identify, she helped me and she showed me that what was happening in the relationship wasn’t normal or acceptable. I certainly knew the perpetrator putting a tracker on my car wasn’t normal, but I didn’t know it came under the realms of stalking.

The worst thing you can be called in this scenario is a stalking victim, especially as a woman, there’s a huge pride in being a strong independent woman, and having that taken away from me by him and by the word ‘victim’ is horrendous. I think the most wonderful thing about Aurora New Dawn and other stalking organisations is they take away your feelings of victimisation. They empower you with knowledge, support expertise and experience, which makes you feel you’re not alone and also makes you feel that you know what is going on and you’re back in control. So, in a scenario where you felt like you had lost control, and I don’t want to go into the whole emotional side of things that I felt during that, the stalking advocate has helped me hugely to put that behaviour in a place of understanding what is unacceptable and unhealthy.

#BridgingTheGAP #NSAW2022 #TeamAurora

Aurora is funded by the Hampshire and IOW Police and Crime Commissioner and work in partnership with Hampshire Constabulary.

If you would like to support the Aurora New Dawn charity and you are able to donate you can do so here:

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

This year’s theme for national stalking awareness week is Bridging the Gap – it focuses on the need to have independent advocates for victims. Do you think it is important for all victims of stalking to be offered an Independent stalking advocate and if so why?

Absolutely! Having the support of an independent advocate made me feel I had some solely in my corner. Their focus was on me and how they can get me through such a hard time. Their expert knowledge and advice meant they were incredibly supportive. This provided me with coping mechanisms; which made me feel safer.

By having that person to go to talk helped me come to terms with what I was suffering and gave me the courage to get the justice and help I needed.

Did you think what you were experiencing was stalking? Did it surprise you when someone described it in that way to you? What was the impact?

At first I don’t think I did. It was a hard concept to accept. I knew what I was experiencing was wrong and that it was upsetting but I didn’t believe it was serious enough to be stalking. When it escalated and I sought the help of the police it was at that point that stalking was first mentioned. I was then introduced to my stalking advocate. She greatly helped me to comes to terms with it being stalking and that it is not acceptable. I was surprised and felt shell shocked. I was afraid and more vulnerable once others told me the seriousness but my advocate was there to support and guide me through the process of getting the justice and support I needed.

Do you have any advice you would like to give other victims.

Never be afraid to speak up. Never be afraid to seek help and support. My advocate helped me gain the courage I needed to get through it. Speaking with your advocate will be the first little step to feeling a little safer by giving you someone to talk to gain advice and understand exactly what you are going through. You are not alone in this and you will be okay and strong once again.

#BridgingTheGAP #NSAW2022 #TeamAurora

Aurora is funded by the Hampshire and IOW Police and Crime Commissioner and work in partnership with Hampshire Constabulary.

If you would like to support the Aurora New Dawn charity and you are able to donate you can do so here:

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

I still remember the day the IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor/Advocate) from Aurora New Dawn walked in. I was numb and unreachable; an empty husk of a human being. Three years of battling an abuser, three years of battling the police, the courts and sadly the big national domestic abuse charities. My overall understanding of my situation was that I had brought it upon myself. They say no (wo)man is an island. But I felt alone, beyond fear, beyond feeling.

10 minutes into the meeting I felt a fleeting emotion. For the very first time, I had been given information about my situation that made me feel a shift in power. I had a person in front of me being chillingly honest. Perhaps I should have been terrified, but in a world of shifting sands where I had felt I couldn’t trust anyone to protect me, I finally realised that the onus was on me. Not to physically protect myself but mentally and in my actions. I felt I could trust this person and the organisation to empower me to continue a fight I was about to give up on.

3 years ago, I had met a charming man who within 6 weeks had begun a campaign of violence and terror to such a degree that when the IDVA informed me that I was in the top 25 percentile of people likely to be murdered, the parallel lives I had desperately been trying to maintain collided and shattered. Leaving documents addressed to my children, on my laptop, with instructions on who to go to, on the mortgage, utilities, insurance, in case of my death. It was prefaced with the words “I would never, ever take my own life”.

Memories of having the abuser enter my workplace. Of sitting in an office with panic alarms and CCTV. Of colleagues respectfully asking for me to be removed from their offices for their own safety. Of Victim Support refusing to see me in their offices because of the degree of violence perpetrated by the abuser. Of my children living in constant fear, of having to pack them off at the drop of a hat. Of watching my beautiful children wilt by the day. Of the endless texts, calls, stalking, and harassment that was my life. Of the having to isolate from my parents, siblings, and friends for fear of their safety.

One of the most damning behaviours I had experienced once I had made that decision to contact the police was that of being treated like a child, incapable of making good decisions. Now, I was being treated like an adult with choices, however daunting they felt at that moment. This is not suddenly going to turn into a fairy tale. It turned into a full on battle, non molestation orders, court appearances, the lack of convictions, being cross examined in court, but even without convictions that feeling of power began to grow. For every knock back Aurora New Dawn had other tactics to advise on. I grew in confidence and I got angry. I realised that putting mental, electronic, and physical distance between the abuser and myself gave me the time to properly digest information and to make better decisions. I began to realise that I was worth so much more. When the abuser received a custodial sentence he continued to contact and threaten me. However, by this point reporting to the police had become routine. Keeping an audit trail of these behaviours is what had helped get the conviction.

Eventually, it was my change in behaviour that caused the situation to abate. The most terrifying part of this journey was to stop contact with the abuser. To not know where he was or what he was doing. Of not feeling in control of mine and my children’s safety. Without Aurora New Dawn I would never have been able to make that leap of faith.

Nowadays, I live an incredibly normal and fulfilling life. I no longer jump at sudden noises, I don’t flinch at sudden movements, I don’t spend nights frozen in fear and dread. I laugh, I have friends, I see my family and best of all my children have turned into happy healthy adults. What happened to the abuser? Who cares? I certainly don’t.

If I were to give any advice to anyone in an abusive relationship. It would be…

Be kind to yourself, you do not deserve what is happening to you. Contact a local Domestic Abuse charity; they will have excellent knowledge of the local police, probation, courts, social services and have contacts with many other agencies. You have to develop a good relationship with the police even when you feel they don’t understand the situation. They do and they know that for every time you reply to an abusers call, text, email or have contact, the likelihood of you getting a positive outcome gets progressively worse. Guilt is your greatest enemy, you are in an extraordinary situation and that often means you have mirrored unacceptable behaviours of the abuser to stay safe. Accept that and make the changes when you are able to. Use all of the services available to you. Sign up to online support groups and forums. When you are having a middle of the night crisis and there is nobody to talk to, there will be someone online who can listen. Don’t isolate yourselves from family and friends. If you work let them know what is happening. They have a duty of care to keep you safe whilst you are in the workplace. On a final note, it doesn’t matter whether you are in a physically, mentally, financially or sexually abusive relationship or whether it is online abuse, none of it is acceptable.

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

Happy International Women’s Day to all women. For me, today is a day of celebration and recognition to the women that came before us, that paved the way for women like me, to have so many opportunities. IWD always feels incredibly empowering, I love to see and hear stories of women who have changed the world in some way. To me, it’s about giving thanks to every woman who has shaped your own life too: mothers, sisters, friends, teachers. Women do so much for the world which often goes unrecognised and unappreciated. So, this IWD, I’ll be making sure I celebrate all the women in my life and giving them a great big thank you.

But, IWD isn’t just about celebrating, it’s about recognising that there is still so much to be done for women’s rights. IWD isn’t a day when we should look at the progress that’s been made and say, “job done”. The fight continues. While ever there are women who live in fear; who don’t have access to education; who can’t access healthcare; who don’t have body autonomy; who live in poverty; who are not safe in their own homes; who aren’t respected; not paid fairly and women who can’t even go for a run. Whilst ever there are women in the world who don’t have a voice, there’s still more progress to be made.

So, this IWD celebrate women in all their glory, thank your mums, sister, aunts, friends, colleagues, teachers for all they have done and continue to do. But also, make a pledge to help in the fight for progress for all women. Sign petitions, share social media posts, join in with activism, write to your MP or donate to charities. We can all help pave the way for the women of the future, just like the women who paved the way for us.

Happy International Women’s Day!

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Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

As we approach international women’s day and appreciate the works of women in the past and present have done and are doing to voice the voiceless, we are still witnessing escalating figures of women experiencing various forms and levels of abuse from all corners of the world – whether they be in their personal space, the wider society or systemically. Being a visibly Muslim woman, it is harrowing to witness other visibly Muslim women experience alienation and constant attacks from society – being denied their right to education and work, the constant brainwashing of the media against Muslim women and the draconian laws that criminalise them because of their Islamic attire. Why does a piece of cloth scare them so much? The piece of cloth that I, along with the millions of Muslim women across the globe wear – symbolises empowerment and strength, and such societies are afraid of empowered women. Period.

Whilst the world celebrates women’s independence day, let’s also remind ourselves that there’s still a lot of work to do.

If you would like to support our work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

Kate* came through as a referral on our Armed Forces Advocacy service and subsequently accessed our Athena FA course. She now mentors other women through our women only groups.

As part of her journey through the work with the FA Kate is also doing all her footballing coach qualifications and now runs a U12 girls team herself.

I spent some time interviewing Kate for the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women (IDEVAW2021).

Here is that interview:

Shonagh – What would you say Kate to a victim reading this now?

Kate – I think the first thing that I would really want them to understand is that it really isn’t their fault. It really helped me when I was part of the group work when other women gave me examples of what they had experienced at the hands of their abusers. I could relate to that and now when I volunteer for the group work now, I try and do the same. It resonates with victims.

Shonagh – So what helped the most when you disclosed your experiences?

Kate – What helped the most with me was people being genuine with me. Being interested, understanding what I was saying and wanting to help, rather than just being seen to be helping, but not actually giving a shit. We can always tell the difference when someone is being genuine with us. With Aurora it worked well for me because it is just a normal conversation… you already feel as a victim that you are a bit abnormal anyway, because of the drip, drip affect of what my ex had done to me. My personality was stripped away, and I ended up fighting against my natural personality and gut instinct.

Shonagh – So what you need from professionals is people being honest and realistic and down to earth?

Kate – Yes, just giving you a chance to be honest and just to talk. Even if it isn’t to do with the abuse, just a space to gain confidence in speaking to people again, that connection with someone outside of the abuse is so important and that is what has been missing for such a long time.

Shonagh – I remember when you started group and I could see your anxiety in connecting with anyone, just walking in the room and making eye contact was such a struggle because of what you had been through. Your self-esteem was shattered.

Kate – Yea it was massive walking into that room. Even just the chit chat was so hard. I wasn’t used to that at all anymore, it wasn’t my reality. When you live with an abuser it is a bit like getting hacked, you don’t realise that there is anything wrong until things start shutting down and there are all these glitches on your hard drive.

Shonagh – That is such a good analogy.

Kate – Yeah the other one I use is the ‘Kerplunk effect’ – All these drawers are being pulled out and the marbles are dropping and all of a sudden my mind can declutter and I can focus on, well, on me to be honest.

Shonagh – So what hasn’t helped from people around you?

Kate – God I don’t know where to start… Just not having that genuine support. So considering the situation and the fact that both myself and my ex were in the forces, it became really difficult. At times I felt really vulnerable and at risk, but I did have Aurora advocating for me and my line manager was excellent, she really supported me. That friendship with my boss really made all the difference, her and my other friend were amazing, they knew something wasn’t right. I remember walking to a medical appointment and I just had this moment where I realised what was happening and I burst into tears, but without them I wouldn’t have had that moment, I trusted them so much.

Shonagh – So that made all the difference just that simple act of believing you?

Kate – Yes. And at that medical appointment I was able to talk to the doctor and he was able to give me advice. It was really interesting actually, because before the abuse started, I never went to the doctors, but by the end I was there all the time. My body was obviously physically responding to the abuse, I had the most excruciating pains in my legs, I thought it was shin splints, but it wasn’t. Even the medical appointments my ex used against me in the end, claiming they were the one needing support for stress…

I had miscarriages and everything, but nobody asked me anything, it all led me to not have any faith in anyone… if they looked at my medical records they would have known there was something not right there, but nobody asked me anything until I outright told them that day when my friends helped me.

Shonagh – Yes health professionals should routinely ask their patients if they are experiencing domestic abuse and this still doesn’t happen enough. There are so many opportunities missed because of a lack of professional curiosity.

Kate – Yes and all of my symptoms were psychosomatic because I was holding in so much trauma, I wish someone had asked me about it.

Shonagh – So tell me about how you feel when you think back six months ago when you first started the Athena course?

Kate – God it feels mad. Especially now that I have gone back to support the new women coming through. It was so weird to hear them talking and thinking back. It made me realise I said those exact same things. At first it really knocked me back, but it also helped, I just wanted to reassure them. They even said the same things we all say like “Mine isn’t as bad as anyone else’s…” and I was like fu**ing hell this is ridiculous, why do we all blame ourselves. I just want those women to get more confidence like I did…

Shonagh – Do you see a difference in yourself now?

Kate – I do, it is hard to take on the compliments sometimes. I think other people see the growth more than me. The girls football team has been everything for me, it has given me such a purpose and a focus, I love it so much and am like a real Mother hen with them. I absolutely love it!

Just when I feel shit about stuff, I concentrate on the girls team and think up random ideas and it makes me feel so good. I want to do so much stuff for them. The confidence and focus it has given me has made me go through a storage unit of my ex’s old stuff and get rid of it, I wouldn’t have been able to do that without the work I do with the girls. They inspire me, they are only young but it makes me energised each time I work with them.

Looking back at photos with my ex I am like a statue just standing there. I have nothing in me, I am just like a ghost. I know I can’t get back the woman I was…

Shonagh – Do you want to? In fact, do you even have to?

Kate – No I don’t think I do actually. I have grieved a lot. I don’t want to be put in a box anymore, I just want to be Kate, I just want to be me. I am slowly getting there…

Shonagh – Do you feel happier in yourself?

Kate – I do, I know I am crying now, but generally I am so much happier.

Shonagh – You are so entitled to cry, it is a journey and there is no quick fix to trauma, especially having been subjected to it at the hands of someone you love. It really irritates me when people expect victims and survivors to be over stuff, you take as long as you need to, to grieve for what happened to you. I understand, just because the relationship has ended, no matter how many years ago, you are still in pain.

Kate – Yes and I have to process that pain. All the stuff in my head because I did love that person. I didn’t even know how to act, and everything has changed. Just making decisions was difficult. I see a future now though and I didn’t before.

I am just thinking about what I want to do careerwise as I have left the forces. But I won’t settle for a job I don’t want. I have already had a few jobs offers which is great. It has taken me ages just to stop thinking about what my ex would think about my career choices, but I am not in that space anymore so I am able to start narrowing things down better and do what is right for me.

The best thing is I will be able to carry on all the stuff that I love, all the footballing stuff that I never even thought would exist before in my life, that is the stuff I want to hold onto because it just fills me up and makes me so happy.

Shonagh – Is there anything else you want to say?

Kate – Yes. Whatever is going on and whatever the fear is please talk to someone. Talk to a friend if you can, real true friends will be there no matter what. If you can’t talk to your friends, contact an organisation like Aurora or anyone that you can trust. Also remember sometimes it takes a few times to leave, it is all part of the confidence of it. When I finally was able to do it, I just felt ready and it stuck.

It has been over 2 years since I left my ex, I wouldn’t say I’m over it, think I’ve just put it in to perspective and made ‘me’ my priority… I hope after reading this other victims and survivors will know they are worth much more than the abuse they have experienced and they can make themselves a priority too.

A huge thank you to Kate for sharing her story.

#IDEVAW2021

*not her real name

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

I have been lucky enough to know Linda since 2004 when we worked together on a health based domestic abuse project in St Mary’s Hospital maternity unit. There are some women you meet in this movement that have a lifelong effect on you, Linda is one of those women for me and I was over the moon when we started working together again at Aurora a few years ago.

Linda retired in June 2021, after working in the male violence against women movement for over thirty-seven years, so I took the opportunity to interview her, to ensure her legacy of supporting women is acknowledged and recognised.

Here is that interview:

Shonagh – How did you start in the movement?

Linda – It started by discovering myself as an adult, finding the things that I felt were hugely unfair that I noticed just by watching TV and then through a few friends of mine who were in a women’s group.

At that time, I didn’t know what a women’s group was, and they were feminists and I didn’t even know what that was, I hadn’t even heard the word… so they told me all about Spare Rib the magazine and women’s refuges and I was amazed to find there was a whole world of women who felt the same as me.

Shonagh – What was the link locally between those women’s groups and the lesbian community?

Linda – As I met women through the community I was able to recognise other lesbian women in the same environment… not all the women were lesbians, although I made the mistake of often thinking they were… I would be chatting to someone and be hoping beyond all hope that they were gay, but unfortunately for me they weren’t, they were just feminists!

(Shonagh/Linda – howl with laughter)

Linda – It was heavily weighted with a lot of feminist women though, and I really felt at home when I was with them. When I joined the women’s group, I rushed to join them, I needed to be with them all. I remember going on my first Reclaim the Night March and being so excited about being surrounded by women shouting and everyone was wearing clothes they felt comfortable in and it seems nothing now, but it was so important. Even though we were being shouted at and getting homophobic abuse it was great to be with other women when that was happening because we all shouted back together. My experience before that was that I was always shouted at and sworn in the street and I couldn’t say anything back because I was frightened and on my own. To be among strong women, whether they were gay, heterosexual, or not quite decided, it was just really empowering.

Part of that was listening to what those women did and they would talk about it, either women working in refuges or they would be working in an environment where they were one or two women who were trying to make a difference where they worked, and I just felt so empowered, the energy was incredible.

Shonagh – How old were you then?

Linda – Probably my very early twenties, I met some feminists in my late teens but really embraced it all in my early twenties.

Shonagh – So tell me about your first job then?

Linda – It was volunteering for the Portsmouth refuge, in an old building that was given to these radical feminists who were part of Women’s Aid, which I was really proud of. We didn’t have a boss, we had a women’s collective; everything was a women’s collective and that was great as we all had a voice. When women came to us, they had a voice. We didn’t know the rules and we didn’t know what you were “supposed to do” but we knew that we could offer a safe space for a woman and her children. We had lots of debates with women who came through the house and women who worked in whatever capacity in the house about women’s rights, about what women can and should expect…

Shonagh – So there was a lot of consciousness raising?

Linda – Yes absolutely, one of the fun things we used to do was if we saw heterosexuals kiss on the TV we used to all say “YUK” and then all laugh because we were highlighting how ridiculous the norm was compared to lesbian women. We used to watch the TV with the women and chat to them and say “can you believe she is having to do that; she’s been told by a man to do that…” So even watching TV together, everything was a platform for another debate to raise the issues and show women they didn’t have to be in those situations and accept it.

It took so much strength back then for women. I remember women were always arriving at the door with bin bags, they had nothing, and we felt this represented the idea that their lives were “rubbish” and this was a big burden on us, so we bought them all laundry bags because it was just nicer so when they moved on we told them, your life isn’t rubbish, it is laundry and you are taking it somewhere new to have a change.

Shonagh – That is so lovely, such a simple gesture. Tell me more about what you did?

Linda – Well after volunteering for a while a paid role came up and I could really get stuck in then as my career. I worked in refuge for a number of years and then I took a couple of years off to be a van driver because I was so burnt out. I didn’t know about vicarious trauma or how to protect myself, so I took two years out and drove around the country in a van and then went to work for the council, because it was a safe place to work and I could make a difference without being in an environment where I didn’t have to take the full weight of the burden. I became a housing officer and almost straight away I got given the title ‘domestic abuse support worker’. Basically the most important thing I thought I could do in the housing department was change the remit from Anti-social behaviour to domestic violence, because every phone call that came in, without exception, about neighbours and anti-social behaviour for the women on my patch it was all domestic abuse and they were being labelled as the nuisance. They were seen as causing problems and their kids would be referred to social care, but nobody ever asked them the question about whether they were experiencing domestic abuse.

Then I left housing and started working at the Early Intervention Project in the maternity Unit in Portsmouth (this was where Shonagh and Linda met) and one of the most fantastic things was being part of a training process. We trained midwives to ask the question of pregnant women about whether they were experiencing domestic abuse. I loved that because it was in the really early days of domestic abuse interventions with health professionals, it felt like we made a huge difference.

Shonagh – Tell me about your experience of the movement and the changes that have happened over the years…

Linda – I think the great thing about some of the changes was that when we started getting accredited as IDVA’s or ISVAs (Independent Domestic/Sexual Violence Advocates) for me at the time was I had received no adult or further education. I literally left school and went to work, so that was an opportunity for me to get recognised for all the work I had done, all the experience I had, because I didn’t come with a degree or any formal qualification. So, I was able to share stories again with a group and gain a qualification that showed I have the experience and it was recognised and structured. The negative to that was also that potentially there is a hierarchy then, in that I was an IDVA and had a qualification and somebody else would be doing the same job and wouldn’t have a qualification. I mean it is important in that the outside world saw our work as legitimate and worthy.

The reality is I did my qualification much later and so I didn’t learn much about supporting women that I hadn’t already learnt from the movement, but it was good get the qualification. It was also great to be able to share my experience in the classroom with those other women, some of them had no experience at all and were very young.

Shonagh – Tell me a bit about your work in social care that you did next in your career.

Linda – I was transferred to social care which was something I have always shied away from because I had seen so many women being blamed by social workers for the domestic abuse, and I saw so many women whose children were on ‘at risk’ registers because the women were just too fearful to ask for help. So, it was a big challenge for me, but I thought I could do it, so I became part of the Portsmouth Joint Action Team which was the precursor to the MASH (Multi-agency Safeguarding Hub). My role was to listen to women who were calling in for support and to make proactive contact with victims who social care had received reports about. Again, that meant I could be free with asking the question “why is this happening and how are the children being protected?” not, “you are not protecting your children”.

Shonagh – In your experience were victims largely protecting their children?

Linda – It is really rare, and I mean really rare that I have ever come across a woman that has not tried to protect her children. I have worked with women who have been completely unable to, for all sorts of reasons, but it is very rarely about choice. It is usually because the cards are stacked against them, everywhere they are turned they are blamed, if they raise their voice and say they are being subjected to domestic abuse someone will say “why aren’t you looking after yourself and your children?”. Or “why are you now out of work?” because work will be targeting them for their sick records or because they can’t work due to the PTSD or severe mental health they experience from the male violence and abuse in their lives. It always comes back to if you are going to ask the question you really need to listen to the answer. So many agencies are so set up to judge and when someone says the two words “domestic abuse” the assumption is that the victims need to change, it still isn’t “why is that perpetrator being dealt with?”, “how is that man still getting away with treating her and her children like this?” when she is judged she has no avenue for support and is so afraid to lift her head.

Shonagh – Tell me about your ISVA work and how victims are treated.

Linda – I think it is really interesting because I got into ISVA work a bit fearful, I wasn’t comfortable, it was new and I had always worked with the police in more challenging environments for example the Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) when someone had recently been raped. I was worried that I wouldn’t have the right experience. But again, it was about listening and speaking up for them and helping women. It is such a huge privilege.

What saddens me the most is that I have heard so many stories over the years and literally just this morning, someone said to me thank god you were there because I didn’t feel connected to the police or that they were going to share the information with me and I felt left alone. Every day it is the same story from the Criminal Justice System, survivors are saying they reach out and tell the police and that the response is open and they want to hear it but we have to understand that what they want to hear is the evidence and victims and survivors feel that, and they know that. Then it is a referral off to someone like me and they go off and do the investigation, which of course is there job, but there aren’t enough ISVAs so what happens to all those victims that don’t get one.

The figures on justice for rape victims speak for themselves, don’t they? And that is just the victims that report, we both know so many who don’t report… we know that the survivors who do share their stories often feel that it falls on deaf ears and he just gets away with it.

But things have changed in approaches. The story I will never forget was when the SARC was just opened before that they were still using what they referred to as “the rape suite” (which is appalling language, but it was a long time ago now), and to examine someone they had to take them upstairs and I questioned this and was told this was where the examination room was. I had to explain to them that a woman is being taken upstairs in an empty house to be examined intimately after a rape and obviously at that time they hadn’t even thought about that.

I was so pleased when the SARC opened and it was a very clinical environment which is important but what was essential was that we made it less so in the communal meeting spaces or client rooms. We wanted to make sure it was warm and friendly. I haven’t been there for a long time, so I hope it is the same because that is so important for rape victims.

Shonagh – In terms of your 37-year history in the movement, why do you think the “by women, for women” approach is so important?

Linda – For me personally, the whole importance of having safe space and single sex spaces is that I know I am talking to someone who has my experience, it won’t be the same, but she was brought up with same kind of experiences of sex based oppression as me. Being with or around adult men as a young girl, she will know what that experience means, how it feels.

I mean it is even the simple stuff just being in meetings and seeing your colleague having a hot flash and offering a sympathetic look because you know what that is like. Or a woman whispering to you that she is on her period. We know as women and girls what walking into a room full of men feels like, it is grown within us and we are socialised to accept that if a man is in a room we defer, and I know even after all these years I have to fight hard not to do it. I have all the knowledge, I am a strong woman but I still know that if I walk into a room where a man is there I feel I have to smile at him even if I don’t feel like smiling, it is like forced out of me from my childhood as a girl…

So, when it comes to female victims, I think having that option to have a female only space is essential, and my fear is that it is getting diluted. Just as I explained about me smiling when I don’t want to, or deferring to a man, if a victim walks into a room and there is a man in that space then she is already having to defer to that person, she may smile too or behave differently… I know women do that, rape victims have said to me after they have spoken to male officers “I didn’t want to keep giggling but it was a man…” and that is the only way they know to deal with a very traumatic situation and all the responses that come with trauma when a man is the one asking them the questions or sharing their space. They know with women they can just cry, with me they know they can say whatever they want, not what they were taught to say or how they are meant to manage me, because I am another woman.
In a woman only space you don’t have to talk, you just have to be.

Shonagh – If you had one message for women starting out their careers in the movement what would you say?

Linda – I think the most valuable thing and I could get really emotional about this, the most valuable thing I have every learnt… and that is to listen, really listen. It is the smallest word but the biggest action. It is about recognising that the women who speak to you are strong in themselves, but they are going through trauma and they need you to listen. Strong women manage their lives they manage their families, they manage their jobs, don’t take that away from them, don’t put them in a box that says they are lesser, they are so strong and they get up every day and deal with their lives and if they want to talk to you, you should be so privileged and you should stop talking and listen!!

And I am a big talker so that was a really hard lesson for me…

Shonagh – God me too!

(Both laugh)

Shonagh – And what about a message for a woman who is reading this and is being abused.

Linda – I think it is more of the same message, we are here to listen and we will and I would say to them they are survivors, every woman throughout my whole career has survived and got up and managed that one day, a day at a time… because some women don’t survive the next day and I have tragically known them too…

(Both Linda and Shonagh are crying)

Shonagh – Linda thank you. Thank you for 37 years of such important work and everything you have done for women and girls…

ENDS

It is the women like Linda, quietly getting on with supporting women and working hard to end male violence that get the least public recognition. But they are in the movement every day and they deserve all our praise and respect, I know I feel incredibly lucky to have worked with Linda and I have learnt so much from her. She is an absolute legend and I will miss her a lot.

Dr. Shonagh Dillon

CEO Aurora New Dawn

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

The history of the male violence against women movement is sometimes forgotten or glossed over by contemporary professionals and public bodies. The movement was born out of the activism of feminist women from the 1960s and 1970s and is often referred to as the second wave. It was through this explosion of tenacious, unapologetic activism that women created the movement to end male violence against women and to force the issue into public consciousness. The women of the second wave made it impossible for the state to ignore male violence and it is these women we have to thank for the services that we are able to run at Aurora today. In receiving the precious baton passed to us by our second wave sisters we are fully committed to upholding their legacy and will continue to provide single sex spaces and female only staff.

When we founded Aurora ten years ago we were explicit in naming ourselves a feminist led charity (despite many warning us not to) we were not afraid to raise our voices and state our position then, and will continue to do so now. We are dedicated to ending male violence against women and will endeavour to liberate women from the structures that subordinate our sex class (including the silencing of our voices), whilst ensuring that we work hard to highlight the further oppressions and inequalities for women occurring through the intersections of race and class.

We appreciate that others may disagree with our stance on prioritising women and the retention of female only spaces and we support their right to do so, respectful disagreement is the bedrock of a democratic society. But we state unequivocally in raising our voices for the many women we serve, we will not be bullied into silence on this issue.

If you would like to read more information on this topic, including detailed analysis on the history of the male violence against women movement, you can view the work our CEO Dr. Shonagh Dillon, who has recently published her doctoral research on this issue.

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

In sisterhood

#TeamAurora

*For information on our one to one advocacy services for all victims please see here.

Correlation does not equal causation

For those of you that don’t know, the Euros is on. The men’s Euros that is – the actual Euros is happening next year…

As with most international footballing events I have seen the posters flying around and been contacted on more than one occasion about the campaigns to raise awareness of an increase in domestic abuse incidents around the football. Aurora have previously been part of these types of campaigns, but I chose not to promote them this time, of course I think any campaign to raise awareness about the high levels of male violence against women are really important, but over the years I have learnt to stop and respond, rather than jump and react, and this is what I seek to do here…

A while back I stumbled across some links from an amazing feminist I follow on twitter, a woman I greatly admire, Davina James-Hanman, (if you don’t follow her work you really should), and this made me begin to question the rhetoric and message of these campaigns.

Research into the relationship between domestic abuse and football

The campaigns highlighting the causation of Domestic Violence and Abuse (DVA) and football is referenced from a small study by Kirby et al, in 2014^[1], based on three separate football tournaments, the conclusion of the study evidenced that reported cases of intimate partner violence increased by 38% when England lost and by 26% when they won or drew in the tournament. So let that just sink in – win, lose or draw men beat women… or in other words, football or no football, men beat women.

Further studies have suggested the link between alcohol and the weather^[2], and these combinations all contribute to a rise in incidents during large football tournaments. There are studies that argue causal links and studies that argue it is far too complex to simplify, especially as footballing events are usually heavily policed and there is an expectation of violence or disruption more generally. Which leads researchers to point out that there may be a rise in reports of DVA but that does not equate to a rise in incidents.

Largely the research methodologies are quantitative in their analysis rather than qualitative, e.g., they are based on reported incidents of DVA, by police and other emergency services and generally, they are based on time specific incidents during the match and for a few hours afterwards. Overall though, there are very few studies in the UK but from what we do know, and as previously stated, the incident related data could be led by other complex factors e.g. increased policing, increased awareness campaigns, and or alcohol, the weather etc.

Qualitative research on the link between football and domestic abuse

It has been recommended that further research needs to be undertaken using qualitative methods as currently we are missing victims voices as an element of the existing research. There is one piece of research I found that included qualitative research, asking two victims what they thought about the relationship between DVA and football and their experiences of male violence^[3] the findings were illuminating. One survivor explained how the perpetrator would be more sexually violent if his team won and more physically violent if the team lost, the other explained that ‘football doesn’t create a perpetrator it just releases one’ (P.8). Although survivors pointed to the need for organisations linked to football to challenge male violence more generally (especially from their own players), the conclusions of the research point to caution on stating causation factors, largely because we know that DVA is a long-term systematic pattern of power and control.

Two Victims’ Views

At Aurora we think it is always important to ask victims directly so I took the opportunity to ask two women* their views and their responses included:

• “My ex was a semi-professional footballer, there was no difference between match days, or seasons, or big footballing events when he was a spectator. He would always find a way to belittle me and abuse me, then shower me with false affection in between. Football is an excuse really isn’t it? It’s just the same old excuse for bad behaviour and I heard plenty of those excuses over the years…” (Anya)
• “My ex was much worse around events like Christmas and birthdays etc. I don’t think that alcohol consumption had anything to do with it, I just think he got a kick out of ruining something I was looking forward to or what should be a ‘nice day’.
  
  After leaving him he would find ways to stress me out at these times such as making false allegations to children’s services and the contact centre on Christmas Eve.
  
  I dread these events now and they should be days we look forward to! I don’t think drinking massively impacts it (not in my case anyway, but I am sure it probably does for others). I think by focusing on alcohol and football it almost gives them an excuse for their behaviour.” (Meg)

The reality is that I only spoke to two victims and I know well that some women will experience a different pattern of abuse from their perpetrator during football tournaments. And equally some women will experience the same from men during cricket tournaments, or school holidays, or pay day.

We know and accept that violence, and men, and football go together, ask yourself, does it sound ridiculous to insinuate the same spike in football related DVA will happen next year when the women’s championship is on? Men’s football is a no-brainer in that sense, given that it is a male orientated sport, with research evidencing the masculine tribal behaviour alongside all the other factors creates a toxic sense of hostility^[4] towards women – and it is women who bear the brunt, with 78% of the increased incidents reported in the aforementioned research being perpetrated by men against women. That latter point is really important because if campaigns skirt over the obvious facts of the sex based oppression of men’s violence against women (and I have seen so many gender neutral posters in the recent football campaigns) it makes the point of the campaign even less useful or valuable.

Abuse is an enduring conduct

So what is my point? What am I getting at here…Well what concerns me is any notion that football causes domestic abuse – in the same sense it frustrated me when the same insinuation was made about COVID19. DVA isn’t incident led, or a single trigger behaviour, in reality it is an enduring conduct that men subject women to, using systematic patterns of power, control and psychological warfare over time. We know this in my movement, we know once the match ends and the footballs are packed away, the male violence against women sector carries on and victims still need us to be well resourced and accessible.

I would much prefer to see national campaigns naming the problem of male violence more readily, and more systematically. I don’t understand why MPs, local authorities and the Police aren’t referring to vital research like the Femicide Census which identifies the long term evidential patterns of 1,425 women murdered by men in the UK, especially as this detailed, feminist led, research helpfully offers robust recommendations for structural change.

When it comes to men who choose to abuse women, their excuses are endless and I just want us to be careful about not falling into the trap of colluding with them by giving them excuses through public campaigns (however well-meaning they are). Football isn’t a cause of male violence, nor is COVID, nor is alcohol, or the sun, or the wind or the rain…

The Euros end on July 11th 2021, and perhaps we will see a “decrease” but I would argue that is largely because the posters come down and the focus from statutory professionals moves away and onto something else, leaving those men to crack on with their usual patterns. Throughout the Euros, and long after they end, women will continue to be murdered by men at the rate of one every 3 days in the UK, we don’t know those women’s names yet and I suspect we won’t care at all if the men who murder them watched England V Ukraine on Saturday night… What we do know is that Karen Ingala Smith (another amazing feminist who is a real inspiration to me) will continue the heart-breaking job of counting these women and honouring them^[5].

The men who perpetrate these crimes will find a new excuse for their behaviour perhaps this time it will be furlough ending or lockdown easing… whatever it is, I don’t buy it and I have zero empathy or time for their narrative. The blame sits firmly with the men who choose to abuse and I don’t think we should ever detract from that fact… I would like to see that on a poster!

Dr Shonagh Dillon

CEO – Aurora New Dawn

*names changed

References:

1. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0022427813494843
2. ‘Home game’: domestic abuse and football Brooks-Hay, Oona; Lombard, Nancy Published in:
   Journal of Gender-Based Violence DOI: 10.1332/239868018X15155986580769
3. ‘Home game’: domestic abuse and football Brooks-Hay, Oona; Lombard, Nancy Published in:
   Journal of Gender-Based Violence DOI: 10.1332/239868018X15155986580769
4. Sports and ‘spikes’: Do major sporting events increase violence in the home?
   September 2018 Dr Andrew Frost, Queensland Centre for Domestic and Family Violence Research
   
5. https://kareningalasmith.com/counting-dead-women/