Kate* came through as a referral on our Armed Forces Advocacy service and subsequently accessed our Athena FA course. She now mentors other women through our women only groups.

As part of her journey through the work with the FA Kate is also doing all her footballing coach qualifications and now runs a U12 girls team herself.

I spent some time interviewing Kate for the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women (IDEVAW2021).

Here is that interview:

Shonagh – What would you say Kate to a victim reading this now?

Kate – I think the first thing that I would really want them to understand is that it really isn’t their fault. It really helped me when I was part of the group work when other women gave me examples of what they had experienced at the hands of their abusers. I could relate to that and now when I volunteer for the group work now, I try and do the same. It resonates with victims.

Shonagh – So what helped the most when you disclosed your experiences?

Kate – What helped the most with me was people being genuine with me. Being interested, understanding what I was saying and wanting to help, rather than just being seen to be helping, but not actually giving a shit. We can always tell the difference when someone is being genuine with us. With Aurora it worked well for me because it is just a normal conversation… you already feel as a victim that you are a bit abnormal anyway, because of the drip, drip affect of what my ex had done to me. My personality was stripped away, and I ended up fighting against my natural personality and gut instinct.

Shonagh – So what you need from professionals is people being honest and realistic and down to earth?

Kate – Yes, just giving you a chance to be honest and just to talk. Even if it isn’t to do with the abuse, just a space to gain confidence in speaking to people again, that connection with someone outside of the abuse is so important and that is what has been missing for such a long time.

Shonagh – I remember when you started group and I could see your anxiety in connecting with anyone, just walking in the room and making eye contact was such a struggle because of what you had been through. Your self-esteem was shattered.

Kate – Yea it was massive walking into that room. Even just the chit chat was so hard. I wasn’t used to that at all anymore, it wasn’t my reality. When you live with an abuser it is a bit like getting hacked, you don’t realise that there is anything wrong until things start shutting down and there are all these glitches on your hard drive.

Shonagh – That is such a good analogy.

Kate – Yeah the other one I use is the ‘Kerplunk effect’ – All these drawers are being pulled out and the marbles are dropping and all of a sudden my mind can declutter and I can focus on, well, on me to be honest.

Shonagh – So what hasn’t helped from people around you?

Kate – God I don’t know where to start… Just not having that genuine support. So considering the situation and the fact that both myself and my ex were in the forces, it became really difficult. At times I felt really vulnerable and at risk, but I did have Aurora advocating for me and my line manager was excellent, she really supported me. That friendship with my boss really made all the difference, her and my other friend were amazing, they knew something wasn’t right. I remember walking to a medical appointment and I just had this moment where I realised what was happening and I burst into tears, but without them I wouldn’t have had that moment, I trusted them so much.

Shonagh – So that made all the difference just that simple act of believing you?

Kate – Yes. And at that medical appointment I was able to talk to the doctor and he was able to give me advice. It was really interesting actually, because before the abuse started, I never went to the doctors, but by the end I was there all the time. My body was obviously physically responding to the abuse, I had the most excruciating pains in my legs, I thought it was shin splints, but it wasn’t. Even the medical appointments my ex used against me in the end, claiming they were the one needing support for stress…

I had miscarriages and everything, but nobody asked me anything, it all led me to not have any faith in anyone… if they looked at my medical records they would have known there was something not right there, but nobody asked me anything until I outright told them that day when my friends helped me.

Shonagh – Yes health professionals should routinely ask their patients if they are experiencing domestic abuse and this still doesn’t happen enough. There are so many opportunities missed because of a lack of professional curiosity.

Kate – Yes and all of my symptoms were psychosomatic because I was holding in so much trauma, I wish someone had asked me about it.

Shonagh – So tell me about how you feel when you think back six months ago when you first started the Athena course?

Kate – God it feels mad. Especially now that I have gone back to support the new women coming through. It was so weird to hear them talking and thinking back. It made me realise I said those exact same things. At first it really knocked me back, but it also helped, I just wanted to reassure them. They even said the same things we all say like “Mine isn’t as bad as anyone else’s…” and I was like fu**ing hell this is ridiculous, why do we all blame ourselves. I just want those women to get more confidence like I did…

Shonagh – Do you see a difference in yourself now?

Kate – I do, it is hard to take on the compliments sometimes. I think other people see the growth more than me. The girls football team has been everything for me, it has given me such a purpose and a focus, I love it so much and am like a real Mother hen with them. I absolutely love it!

Just when I feel shit about stuff, I concentrate on the girls team and think up random ideas and it makes me feel so good. I want to do so much stuff for them. The confidence and focus it has given me has made me go through a storage unit of my ex’s old stuff and get rid of it, I wouldn’t have been able to do that without the work I do with the girls. They inspire me, they are only young but it makes me energised each time I work with them.

Looking back at photos with my ex I am like a statue just standing there. I have nothing in me, I am just like a ghost. I know I can’t get back the woman I was…

Shonagh – Do you want to? In fact, do you even have to?

Kate – No I don’t think I do actually. I have grieved a lot. I don’t want to be put in a box anymore, I just want to be Kate, I just want to be me. I am slowly getting there…

Shonagh – Do you feel happier in yourself?

Kate – I do, I know I am crying now, but generally I am so much happier.

Shonagh – You are so entitled to cry, it is a journey and there is no quick fix to trauma, especially having been subjected to it at the hands of someone you love. It really irritates me when people expect victims and survivors to be over stuff, you take as long as you need to, to grieve for what happened to you. I understand, just because the relationship has ended, no matter how many years ago, you are still in pain.

Kate – Yes and I have to process that pain. All the stuff in my head because I did love that person. I didn’t even know how to act, and everything has changed. Just making decisions was difficult. I see a future now though and I didn’t before.

I am just thinking about what I want to do careerwise as I have left the forces. But I won’t settle for a job I don’t want. I have already had a few jobs offers which is great. It has taken me ages just to stop thinking about what my ex would think about my career choices, but I am not in that space anymore so I am able to start narrowing things down better and do what is right for me.

The best thing is I will be able to carry on all the stuff that I love, all the footballing stuff that I never even thought would exist before in my life, that is the stuff I want to hold onto because it just fills me up and makes me so happy.

Shonagh – Is there anything else you want to say?

Kate – Yes. Whatever is going on and whatever the fear is please talk to someone. Talk to a friend if you can, real true friends will be there no matter what. If you can’t talk to your friends, contact an organisation like Aurora or anyone that you can trust. Also remember sometimes it takes a few times to leave, it is all part of the confidence of it. When I finally was able to do it, I just felt ready and it stuck.

It has been over 2 years since I left my ex, I wouldn’t say I’m over it, think I’ve just put it in to perspective and made ‘me’ my priority… I hope after reading this other victims and survivors will know they are worth much more than the abuse they have experienced and they can make themselves a priority too.

A huge thank you to Kate for sharing her story.

#IDEVAW2021

*not her real name

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

I have been lucky enough to know Linda since 2004 when we worked together on a health based domestic abuse project in St Mary’s Hospital maternity unit. There are some women you meet in this movement that have a lifelong effect on you, Linda is one of those women for me and I was over the moon when we started working together again at Aurora a few years ago.

Linda retired in June 2021, after working in the male violence against women movement for over thirty-seven years, so I took the opportunity to interview her, to ensure her legacy of supporting women is acknowledged and recognised.

Here is that interview:

Shonagh – How did you start in the movement?

Linda – It started by discovering myself as an adult, finding the things that I felt were hugely unfair that I noticed just by watching TV and then through a few friends of mine who were in a women’s group.

At that time, I didn’t know what a women’s group was, and they were feminists and I didn’t even know what that was, I hadn’t even heard the word… so they told me all about Spare Rib the magazine and women’s refuges and I was amazed to find there was a whole world of women who felt the same as me.

Shonagh – What was the link locally between those women’s groups and the lesbian community?

Linda – As I met women through the community I was able to recognise other lesbian women in the same environment… not all the women were lesbians, although I made the mistake of often thinking they were… I would be chatting to someone and be hoping beyond all hope that they were gay, but unfortunately for me they weren’t, they were just feminists!

(Shonagh/Linda – howl with laughter)

Linda – It was heavily weighted with a lot of feminist women though, and I really felt at home when I was with them. When I joined the women’s group, I rushed to join them, I needed to be with them all. I remember going on my first Reclaim the Night March and being so excited about being surrounded by women shouting and everyone was wearing clothes they felt comfortable in and it seems nothing now, but it was so important. Even though we were being shouted at and getting homophobic abuse it was great to be with other women when that was happening because we all shouted back together. My experience before that was that I was always shouted at and sworn in the street and I couldn’t say anything back because I was frightened and on my own. To be among strong women, whether they were gay, heterosexual, or not quite decided, it was just really empowering.

Part of that was listening to what those women did and they would talk about it, either women working in refuges or they would be working in an environment where they were one or two women who were trying to make a difference where they worked, and I just felt so empowered, the energy was incredible.

Shonagh – How old were you then?

Linda – Probably my very early twenties, I met some feminists in my late teens but really embraced it all in my early twenties.

Shonagh – So tell me about your first job then?

Linda – It was volunteering for the Portsmouth refuge, in an old building that was given to these radical feminists who were part of Women’s Aid, which I was really proud of. We didn’t have a boss, we had a women’s collective; everything was a women’s collective and that was great as we all had a voice. When women came to us, they had a voice. We didn’t know the rules and we didn’t know what you were “supposed to do” but we knew that we could offer a safe space for a woman and her children. We had lots of debates with women who came through the house and women who worked in whatever capacity in the house about women’s rights, about what women can and should expect…

Shonagh – So there was a lot of consciousness raising?

Linda – Yes absolutely, one of the fun things we used to do was if we saw heterosexuals kiss on the TV we used to all say “YUK” and then all laugh because we were highlighting how ridiculous the norm was compared to lesbian women. We used to watch the TV with the women and chat to them and say “can you believe she is having to do that; she’s been told by a man to do that…” So even watching TV together, everything was a platform for another debate to raise the issues and show women they didn’t have to be in those situations and accept it.

It took so much strength back then for women. I remember women were always arriving at the door with bin bags, they had nothing, and we felt this represented the idea that their lives were “rubbish” and this was a big burden on us, so we bought them all laundry bags because it was just nicer so when they moved on we told them, your life isn’t rubbish, it is laundry and you are taking it somewhere new to have a change.

Shonagh – That is so lovely, such a simple gesture. Tell me more about what you did?

Linda – Well after volunteering for a while a paid role came up and I could really get stuck in then as my career. I worked in refuge for a number of years and then I took a couple of years off to be a van driver because I was so burnt out. I didn’t know about vicarious trauma or how to protect myself, so I took two years out and drove around the country in a van and then went to work for the council, because it was a safe place to work and I could make a difference without being in an environment where I didn’t have to take the full weight of the burden. I became a housing officer and almost straight away I got given the title ‘domestic abuse support worker’. Basically the most important thing I thought I could do in the housing department was change the remit from Anti-social behaviour to domestic violence, because every phone call that came in, without exception, about neighbours and anti-social behaviour for the women on my patch it was all domestic abuse and they were being labelled as the nuisance. They were seen as causing problems and their kids would be referred to social care, but nobody ever asked them the question about whether they were experiencing domestic abuse.

Then I left housing and started working at the Early Intervention Project in the maternity Unit in Portsmouth (this was where Shonagh and Linda met) and one of the most fantastic things was being part of a training process. We trained midwives to ask the question of pregnant women about whether they were experiencing domestic abuse. I loved that because it was in the really early days of domestic abuse interventions with health professionals, it felt like we made a huge difference.

Shonagh – Tell me about your experience of the movement and the changes that have happened over the years…

Linda – I think the great thing about some of the changes was that when we started getting accredited as IDVA’s or ISVAs (Independent Domestic/Sexual Violence Advocates) for me at the time was I had received no adult or further education. I literally left school and went to work, so that was an opportunity for me to get recognised for all the work I had done, all the experience I had, because I didn’t come with a degree or any formal qualification. So, I was able to share stories again with a group and gain a qualification that showed I have the experience and it was recognised and structured. The negative to that was also that potentially there is a hierarchy then, in that I was an IDVA and had a qualification and somebody else would be doing the same job and wouldn’t have a qualification. I mean it is important in that the outside world saw our work as legitimate and worthy.

The reality is I did my qualification much later and so I didn’t learn much about supporting women that I hadn’t already learnt from the movement, but it was good get the qualification. It was also great to be able to share my experience in the classroom with those other women, some of them had no experience at all and were very young.

Shonagh – Tell me a bit about your work in social care that you did next in your career.

Linda – I was transferred to social care which was something I have always shied away from because I had seen so many women being blamed by social workers for the domestic abuse, and I saw so many women whose children were on ‘at risk’ registers because the women were just too fearful to ask for help. So, it was a big challenge for me, but I thought I could do it, so I became part of the Portsmouth Joint Action Team which was the precursor to the MASH (Multi-agency Safeguarding Hub). My role was to listen to women who were calling in for support and to make proactive contact with victims who social care had received reports about. Again, that meant I could be free with asking the question “why is this happening and how are the children being protected?” not, “you are not protecting your children”.

Shonagh – In your experience were victims largely protecting their children?

Linda – It is really rare, and I mean really rare that I have ever come across a woman that has not tried to protect her children. I have worked with women who have been completely unable to, for all sorts of reasons, but it is very rarely about choice. It is usually because the cards are stacked against them, everywhere they are turned they are blamed, if they raise their voice and say they are being subjected to domestic abuse someone will say “why aren’t you looking after yourself and your children?”. Or “why are you now out of work?” because work will be targeting them for their sick records or because they can’t work due to the PTSD or severe mental health they experience from the male violence and abuse in their lives. It always comes back to if you are going to ask the question you really need to listen to the answer. So many agencies are so set up to judge and when someone says the two words “domestic abuse” the assumption is that the victims need to change, it still isn’t “why is that perpetrator being dealt with?”, “how is that man still getting away with treating her and her children like this?” when she is judged she has no avenue for support and is so afraid to lift her head.

Shonagh – Tell me about your ISVA work and how victims are treated.

Linda – I think it is really interesting because I got into ISVA work a bit fearful, I wasn’t comfortable, it was new and I had always worked with the police in more challenging environments for example the Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) when someone had recently been raped. I was worried that I wouldn’t have the right experience. But again, it was about listening and speaking up for them and helping women. It is such a huge privilege.

What saddens me the most is that I have heard so many stories over the years and literally just this morning, someone said to me thank god you were there because I didn’t feel connected to the police or that they were going to share the information with me and I felt left alone. Every day it is the same story from the Criminal Justice System, survivors are saying they reach out and tell the police and that the response is open and they want to hear it but we have to understand that what they want to hear is the evidence and victims and survivors feel that, and they know that. Then it is a referral off to someone like me and they go off and do the investigation, which of course is there job, but there aren’t enough ISVAs so what happens to all those victims that don’t get one.

The figures on justice for rape victims speak for themselves, don’t they? And that is just the victims that report, we both know so many who don’t report… we know that the survivors who do share their stories often feel that it falls on deaf ears and he just gets away with it.

But things have changed in approaches. The story I will never forget was when the SARC was just opened before that they were still using what they referred to as “the rape suite” (which is appalling language, but it was a long time ago now), and to examine someone they had to take them upstairs and I questioned this and was told this was where the examination room was. I had to explain to them that a woman is being taken upstairs in an empty house to be examined intimately after a rape and obviously at that time they hadn’t even thought about that.

I was so pleased when the SARC opened and it was a very clinical environment which is important but what was essential was that we made it less so in the communal meeting spaces or client rooms. We wanted to make sure it was warm and friendly. I haven’t been there for a long time, so I hope it is the same because that is so important for rape victims.

Shonagh – In terms of your 37-year history in the movement, why do you think the “by women, for women” approach is so important?

Linda – For me personally, the whole importance of having safe space and single sex spaces is that I know I am talking to someone who has my experience, it won’t be the same, but she was brought up with same kind of experiences of sex based oppression as me. Being with or around adult men as a young girl, she will know what that experience means, how it feels.

I mean it is even the simple stuff just being in meetings and seeing your colleague having a hot flash and offering a sympathetic look because you know what that is like. Or a woman whispering to you that she is on her period. We know as women and girls what walking into a room full of men feels like, it is grown within us and we are socialised to accept that if a man is in a room we defer, and I know even after all these years I have to fight hard not to do it. I have all the knowledge, I am a strong woman but I still know that if I walk into a room where a man is there I feel I have to smile at him even if I don’t feel like smiling, it is like forced out of me from my childhood as a girl…

So, when it comes to female victims, I think having that option to have a female only space is essential, and my fear is that it is getting diluted. Just as I explained about me smiling when I don’t want to, or deferring to a man, if a victim walks into a room and there is a man in that space then she is already having to defer to that person, she may smile too or behave differently… I know women do that, rape victims have said to me after they have spoken to male officers “I didn’t want to keep giggling but it was a man…” and that is the only way they know to deal with a very traumatic situation and all the responses that come with trauma when a man is the one asking them the questions or sharing their space. They know with women they can just cry, with me they know they can say whatever they want, not what they were taught to say or how they are meant to manage me, because I am another woman.
In a woman only space you don’t have to talk, you just have to be.

Shonagh – If you had one message for women starting out their careers in the movement what would you say?

Linda – I think the most valuable thing and I could get really emotional about this, the most valuable thing I have every learnt… and that is to listen, really listen. It is the smallest word but the biggest action. It is about recognising that the women who speak to you are strong in themselves, but they are going through trauma and they need you to listen. Strong women manage their lives they manage their families, they manage their jobs, don’t take that away from them, don’t put them in a box that says they are lesser, they are so strong and they get up every day and deal with their lives and if they want to talk to you, you should be so privileged and you should stop talking and listen!!

And I am a big talker so that was a really hard lesson for me…

Shonagh – God me too!

(Both laugh)

Shonagh – And what about a message for a woman who is reading this and is being abused.

Linda – I think it is more of the same message, we are here to listen and we will and I would say to them they are survivors, every woman throughout my whole career has survived and got up and managed that one day, a day at a time… because some women don’t survive the next day and I have tragically known them too…

(Both Linda and Shonagh are crying)

Shonagh – Linda thank you. Thank you for 37 years of such important work and everything you have done for women and girls…

ENDS

It is the women like Linda, quietly getting on with supporting women and working hard to end male violence that get the least public recognition. But they are in the movement every day and they deserve all our praise and respect, I know I feel incredibly lucky to have worked with Linda and I have learnt so much from her. She is an absolute legend and I will miss her a lot.

Dr. Shonagh Dillon

CEO Aurora New Dawn

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

Aurora’s helpline – 6pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24hrs over the weekend 02394 216 816

The history of the male violence against women movement is sometimes forgotten or glossed over by contemporary professionals and public bodies. The movement was born out of the activism of feminist women from the 1960s and 1970s and is often referred to as the second wave. It was through this explosion of tenacious, unapologetic activism that women created the movement to end male violence against women and to force the issue into public consciousness. The women of the second wave made it impossible for the state to ignore male violence and it is these women we have to thank for the services that we are able to run at Aurora today. In receiving the precious baton passed to us by our second wave sisters we are fully committed to upholding their legacy and will continue to provide single sex spaces and female only staff.

When we founded Aurora ten years ago we were explicit in naming ourselves a feminist led charity (despite many warning us not to) we were not afraid to raise our voices and state our position then, and will continue to do so now. We are dedicated to ending male violence against women and will endeavour to liberate women from the structures that subordinate our sex class (including the silencing of our voices), whilst ensuring that we work hard to highlight the further oppressions and inequalities for women occurring through the intersections of race and class.

We appreciate that others may disagree with our stance on prioritising women and the retention of female only spaces and we support their right to do so, respectful disagreement is the bedrock of a democratic society. But we state unequivocally in raising our voices for the many women we serve, we will not be bullied into silence on this issue.

If you would like to read more information on this topic, including detailed analysis on the history of the male violence against women movement, you can view the work our CEO Dr. Shonagh Dillon, who has recently published her doctoral research on this issue.

If you would like to support our female only group work and you are able to donate you can do so here:

In sisterhood

#TeamAurora

*For information on our one to one advocacy services for all victims please see here.

Correlation does not equal causation

For those of you that don’t know, the Euros is on. The men’s Euros that is – the actual Euros is happening next year…

As with most international footballing events I have seen the posters flying around and been contacted on more than one occasion about the campaigns to raise awareness of an increase in domestic abuse incidents around the football. Aurora have previously been part of these types of campaigns, but I chose not to promote them this time, of course I think any campaign to raise awareness about the high levels of male violence against women are really important, but over the years I have learnt to stop and respond, rather than jump and react, and this is what I seek to do here…

A while back I stumbled across some links from an amazing feminist I follow on twitter, a woman I greatly admire, Davina James-Hanman, (if you don’t follow her work you really should), and this made me begin to question the rhetoric and message of these campaigns.

Research into the relationship between domestic abuse and football

The campaigns highlighting the causation of Domestic Violence and Abuse (DVA) and football is referenced from a small study by Kirby et al, in 2014^[1], based on three separate football tournaments, the conclusion of the study evidenced that reported cases of intimate partner violence increased by 38% when England lost and by 26% when they won or drew in the tournament. So let that just sink in – win, lose or draw men beat women… or in other words, football or no football, men beat women.

Further studies have suggested the link between alcohol and the weather^[2], and these combinations all contribute to a rise in incidents during large football tournaments. There are studies that argue causal links and studies that argue it is far too complex to simplify, especially as footballing events are usually heavily policed and there is an expectation of violence or disruption more generally. Which leads researchers to point out that there may be a rise in reports of DVA but that does not equate to a rise in incidents.

Largely the research methodologies are quantitative in their analysis rather than qualitative, e.g., they are based on reported incidents of DVA, by police and other emergency services and generally, they are based on time specific incidents during the match and for a few hours afterwards. Overall though, there are very few studies in the UK but from what we do know, and as previously stated, the incident related data could be led by other complex factors e.g. increased policing, increased awareness campaigns, and or alcohol, the weather etc.

Qualitative research on the link between football and domestic abuse

It has been recommended that further research needs to be undertaken using qualitative methods as currently we are missing victims voices as an element of the existing research. There is one piece of research I found that included qualitative research, asking two victims what they thought about the relationship between DVA and football and their experiences of male violence^[3] the findings were illuminating. One survivor explained how the perpetrator would be more sexually violent if his team won and more physically violent if the team lost, the other explained that ‘football doesn’t create a perpetrator it just releases one’ (P.8). Although survivors pointed to the need for organisations linked to football to challenge male violence more generally (especially from their own players), the conclusions of the research point to caution on stating causation factors, largely because we know that DVA is a long-term systematic pattern of power and control.

Two Victims’ Views

At Aurora we think it is always important to ask victims directly so I took the opportunity to ask two women* their views and their responses included:

• “My ex was a semi-professional footballer, there was no difference between match days, or seasons, or big footballing events when he was a spectator. He would always find a way to belittle me and abuse me, then shower me with false affection in between. Football is an excuse really isn’t it? It’s just the same old excuse for bad behaviour and I heard plenty of those excuses over the years…” (Anya)
• “My ex was much worse around events like Christmas and birthdays etc. I don’t think that alcohol consumption had anything to do with it, I just think he got a kick out of ruining something I was looking forward to or what should be a ‘nice day’.
  
  After leaving him he would find ways to stress me out at these times such as making false allegations to children’s services and the contact centre on Christmas Eve.
  
  I dread these events now and they should be days we look forward to! I don’t think drinking massively impacts it (not in my case anyway, but I am sure it probably does for others). I think by focusing on alcohol and football it almost gives them an excuse for their behaviour.” (Meg)

The reality is that I only spoke to two victims and I know well that some women will experience a different pattern of abuse from their perpetrator during football tournaments. And equally some women will experience the same from men during cricket tournaments, or school holidays, or pay day.

We know and accept that violence, and men, and football go together, ask yourself, does it sound ridiculous to insinuate the same spike in football related DVA will happen next year when the women’s championship is on? Men’s football is a no-brainer in that sense, given that it is a male orientated sport, with research evidencing the masculine tribal behaviour alongside all the other factors creates a toxic sense of hostility^[4] towards women – and it is women who bear the brunt, with 78% of the increased incidents reported in the aforementioned research being perpetrated by men against women. That latter point is really important because if campaigns skirt over the obvious facts of the sex based oppression of men’s violence against women (and I have seen so many gender neutral posters in the recent football campaigns) it makes the point of the campaign even less useful or valuable.

Abuse is an enduring conduct

So what is my point? What am I getting at here…Well what concerns me is any notion that football causes domestic abuse – in the same sense it frustrated me when the same insinuation was made about COVID19. DVA isn’t incident led, or a single trigger behaviour, in reality it is an enduring conduct that men subject women to, using systematic patterns of power, control and psychological warfare over time. We know this in my movement, we know once the match ends and the footballs are packed away, the male violence against women sector carries on and victims still need us to be well resourced and accessible.

I would much prefer to see national campaigns naming the problem of male violence more readily, and more systematically. I don’t understand why MPs, local authorities and the Police aren’t referring to vital research like the Femicide Census which identifies the long term evidential patterns of 1,425 women murdered by men in the UK, especially as this detailed, feminist led, research helpfully offers robust recommendations for structural change.

When it comes to men who choose to abuse women, their excuses are endless and I just want us to be careful about not falling into the trap of colluding with them by giving them excuses through public campaigns (however well-meaning they are). Football isn’t a cause of male violence, nor is COVID, nor is alcohol, or the sun, or the wind or the rain…

The Euros end on July 11th 2021, and perhaps we will see a “decrease” but I would argue that is largely because the posters come down and the focus from statutory professionals moves away and onto something else, leaving those men to crack on with their usual patterns. Throughout the Euros, and long after they end, women will continue to be murdered by men at the rate of one every 3 days in the UK, we don’t know those women’s names yet and I suspect we won’t care at all if the men who murder them watched England V Ukraine on Saturday night… What we do know is that Karen Ingala Smith (another amazing feminist who is a real inspiration to me) will continue the heart-breaking job of counting these women and honouring them^[5].

The men who perpetrate these crimes will find a new excuse for their behaviour perhaps this time it will be furlough ending or lockdown easing… whatever it is, I don’t buy it and I have zero empathy or time for their narrative. The blame sits firmly with the men who choose to abuse and I don’t think we should ever detract from that fact… I would like to see that on a poster!

Dr Shonagh Dillon

CEO – Aurora New Dawn

*names changed

References:

1. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0022427813494843
2. ‘Home game’: domestic abuse and football Brooks-Hay, Oona; Lombard, Nancy Published in:
   Journal of Gender-Based Violence DOI: 10.1332/239868018X15155986580769
3. ‘Home game’: domestic abuse and football Brooks-Hay, Oona; Lombard, Nancy Published in:
   Journal of Gender-Based Violence DOI: 10.1332/239868018X15155986580769
4. Sports and ‘spikes’: Do major sporting events increase violence in the home?
   September 2018 Dr Andrew Frost, Queensland Centre for Domestic and Family Violence Research
   
5. https://kareningalasmith.com/counting-dead-women/
   

Feedback from a client:

I was stalked on and off for 9 years by the same person. During those years I reported it twice to the police and on the second time, he was finally charged. Unfortunately not for stalking, but the highest count of harassment. This is because mine is not the textbook classic case of stalking.

He did not follow me, or phone me, or message me in any way. He used Facebook to message my friends and acquaintances to monitor what I was doing and to gather more information on me. He even messaged a previous employer to ask about my current employment. I found this all very disturbing and frightening. I just wanted it to stop. As this was not a case of me being followed or threatened, it has been very difficult for people to understand the impact this has had on me as its “only online”. This made me very alone and when I went to the police a second time, I was worried nothing would come from it.

The police took it very seriously and it was not long before I was put in touch with Anna from Aurora New Dawn. With Anna, I always had someone in my corner, someone who I could just vent everything to without them becoming bored or thinking I should just get over it. Although all our contact was through emails and phone calls, it was still amazing support. During the preparation for the court case, nothing was too much trouble for Anna, and she was able to keep me updated and would take my questions to the police and ask them for me. The support was amazing because while all this was going on, I still had to work and carry on with my normal life.

My advice to anyone who is getting unwanted communication, is to keep a log of it and report it!

Need help too?

If you are concerned that you are being stalked or would like to speak to anyone about these issues please do not hesitate to contact us at Aurora New Dawn. We are here to offer support to all victims of stalking. We are here and we believe you.

Contact Number – 02392 479 254

24 hour helpline – 02394 216 816

We are also available via all social media outlets – just DM us.

• Facebook
• Twitter

As Aurora’s Digital media Investigations and stalking advocate, it has been my job to support victims of stalking with a large tech element. In my experience, it is extremely rare for a stalking case to be completely without a cyber-element. Stalking has always existed, but the rise of the internet and technological advances have provided stalkers with new avenues to get to their victims in increasingly alarming ways.

Cyber stalking can be best described as a set of behaviours that entail persistent use of unwanted electronic communications and tactics to cause alarm and distress to a victim.

Behaviours that you may typically see include:

• Constant unwanted messaging on social media platforms
• Hacking
• Creating fake accounts or impersonating a victim online
• Submitting online complaints or bad reviews about the victim’s work
• Installing spyware on devices
• Contacting family and friends of the victim
• Harvesting information about a victim using online resources

Of course, it is important to remember that stalking behaviours are not limited and can encompass a whole range of techniques!

Cyber stalking crimes are increasing, particularly throughout the pandemic as people are having to turn to more technological means to facilitate their crimes. Clients describe cyber stalking as intrusive. This is as our devices are how we communicate with the outside world. Whether it’s that fourth friend request of the day from another fake account, or the 20th message alerting you to their presence, cyber stalking gives the perpetrator the unique capability of sitting in their victim’s pocket.

Because of this ever-changing technological world, it is becoming increasingly important to equip ourselves with the knowledge of how to share the information we want to share online. For these reasons, we at Aurora have put together a simple guide about how to protect yourself online.

First steps to online safety

It is first important to think about what accounts you have, how you use them and what could potentially be linked with someone else. Creating a list of all your online accounts is the best way to start. Then ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does anyone know the password?
2. What information is this account sharing? For example do your social media accounts share all of your photos/the area you are living/where you work etc.?
3. Is this account linked to anyone else in any way? For example online banking or joint Facebook accounts.
4. Don’t forget accounts such as Amazon, Just eat, Deliveroo as these store your current address and where you get things delivered. Also keep in mind your Icloud.

Googling yourself can also help to see what information is online about yourself – you may be very surprised at what comes up!

Increasing online safety:

Once you have created your list of online accounts, the next steps are to think of the ways to increase your online safety. A good starting place would be the following steps:

1. Change your passwords to something no one can guess. Downloading a password manager off any app store can help with creating and storing difficult passwords so you don’t need to remember them.
2. Consider changing your personal questions linked to your account to ones no one will not be able to answer. For example a perpetrator may know your mother’s maiden name.
3. Set up 2 factor authentication. This ensures that any new device trying to access your account will need to be confirmed by yourself to have access. Linking your phone number is the best option as you will receive a text alert. You can set up 2 factor authentication in the settings of all accounts. If you aren’t sure, google can offer step by step guides for each account.
4. Look at your privacy settings. What would you like to share? Remember your cover photo on Facebook can be seen by everyone regardless of your privacy settings. You will need to manually go through your profile pictures and old cover photos to make those private.
5. If you would like to keep your profiles open consider going through your friends list? Do you know everybody?

Of course we completely understand that you may not want to keep everything on social media private! If you do need to share things or would like to share things it is always best to do this as safely as possible. For example, if you post where you are going or somewhere you are, it may be best to post about it after you have left.

Other Safety Considerations:

1. Look at your location sharing options in the settings of your phone. Consider whether you use snap maps on Snapchat or Find my Iphone.
2. Be careful when posting running routes from apps like Strava. It may help to build a picture of where you like to go running and your routines.
3. Change the password for your Wifi if the perpetrator ever had access and the passwords for your Amazon account if you use an Amazon Alexa or something similar.
4. Always try to update your phone and apps when your phone/device offers an update.
5. If you believe that you have any spyware or software on your device I would recommend completing a factory reset. In most cases this eradicates the issues however you should be aware this will delete any evidence. If you aren’t sure I would always recommend taking your phone to a specialist phone professional.

If you are concerned that you are being stalked or would like to speak to anyone about these issues please do not hesitate to contact us at Aurora New Dawn. We are here to offer support to all victims of stalking. We are here and we believe you.

Contact Number – 02392 479 254

24 hour helpline – 02394 216 816

We are also available via all social media outlets – just DM us.

• Facebook
• Twitter

Helpful websites:

Aurora New Dawn	https://www.aurorand.org.uk
South East Regional Organised Crime Unit	https://serocu.police.uk/individuals
National Cyber Security Centre	https://www.ncsc.gov.uk/cyberaware/home

It is currently National Stalking Week, a yearly event which aims to put the spotlight on and raise awareness of stalking behaviours and the impact that such behaviours can have on those who experience them.

My role as a Stalking Advocate

My role as a Stalking Advocate is to provide victims of stalking with specialist independent support, advice and advocacy. I provide victims with a main point of contact and support throughout their journey, a stable point for them in the midst of a storm. As the job title suggests, I am there to ensure that their voices are heard, that they are aware of all options available to them and their rights throughout the support we offer. I am here to provide both practical and emotional support for every victim.

There is no general typical working day in the role of a Stalking Advocate. Every day is unique and things do not always end up going according to plan. I can sit down and plan my day out only to find myself having to reshuffle things a few hours later after a client contacts me in crisis and I have to respond to this in order to ensure they are safe.

A day in the life of a Stalking Advocate

Generally, a large part of my day-to-day work involves telephone support with clients. This may sometimes be a simple check-in call to ensure the client is doing well and check if there have been any further incidents or progress with the police if involved. It also involves making initial contact with new clients who have recently been referred to the service. Upon these initial calls, we will discuss their current situation and their experiences. I will explore whether there are other professionals involved or if they have reported their experiences to the police. Together, we will discuss and identify ways in which I can support them. As every individual’s experiences and needs will be different, we offer individualised packages of support to each.

I will complete various bits of paperwork with new clients, including risk assessments which help us to ascertain the nature of the stalking behaviour and respond appropriately. I also complete a safety plan with each client during which we will explore different areas of their lives, such as their home, workplace, and online safety to see how their safety can be improved in these areas and how I can ensure that the clients feel confident in their knowledge and ability to safeguard themselves and their families. Throughout our time working together, both the risk assessments and safety plan will be reviewed and updated as appropriate and will develop through their journey with us.

Another aspect of my day-to-day work involves liaison with other professionals and agencies. This often takes many different forms, including:

• Linking in with the police around ongoing investigations, getting updates and voicing any concerns the client may have
• Linking in with other support services the victim has in place, such as domestic abuse support workers, to ensure that we are both updated and providing a collaborative response
• Liaison with housing associations/councils to support with the client being moved to a new property for safety
• Liaison with the client’s workplace to discuss safeguarding for them in order to help them attend work safely

Additional Stalking Services

I also provide consultancy and advice to other agencies and professionals where needed. This may be for support workers who have concerns around a client potentially being stalked and who are looking for some advice and guidance to pass along to them. Or it might be a discussion about the support we might be able to offer a client and guidance on how a referral for them can be made into our service.

As a Stalking team, we also offer training to organisations in order to raise awareness of what stalking is, its impact, how we can help, and how a referral can be made to us. We are also available to provide consultancy and guidance for organisations and workplaces around stalking. This is something that is often not written into organisational policies and so we can offer advice and guidance around this.

Hampshire Multi-Agency Stalking Project

The Stalking Service is also part of the Hampshire MASP (Multi-Agency Stalking Project) team and so every Wednesday morning I attend a Triage meeting with individuals from other agencies, such as the police, probation, and Southern Health, where we discuss stalking cases and how we can offer a collective response to these.

Every month I also attend the monthly Clinic meetings, which is where we refer on some of the more complex cases from our weekly Triage meetings, for a longer, more thorough discussion. These Clinic meetings are attended by numerous additional professionals, such as the Crown Prosecution Service and the Investigating Officer for the case who will present it and the investigation so far. We then collectively discuss the case, providing investigative advice and potential actions as well as identifying opportunities for the victim to be safeguarded. If the client is already being supported by myself, I am able to voice any concerns they have during these meetings and to ensure that their wishes and voice remains heard throughout the meetings.

If you have concerns that you are being stalked, or you know you are being stalked and would like to have a discussion about your options or would like some support please don’t hesitate to contact us:

Aurora’s stalking advocacy team phone number: 02392 479 254Aurora’s stalking advocacy team e-mail: stalking@aurorand.org.uk

When many people think of the word stalking, they envision the image of the scary man hiding in bushes watching a young woman. In fact stalking is so much more than this. Stalking is often described by our clients as terrifying, intrusive. Often victims feel a sense of loss of control and privacy, something that very often has a long term negative impact in many areas of their lives.

What is stalking?

At Aurora, we use the definition from our colleagues at the Suzy Lamplugh Trust, who run the National Stalking Helpline:

“A pattern of fixated and obsessive behaviour which is repeated, persistent, intrusive and causes fear of violence or engenders alarm and distress in the victim.”

We also think of it this way – An imposition of a relationship where one would not otherwise exist.

Stalking is a very unique crime which occurs outside of the context of a relationship. It is driven by a fixation and obsession of the stalker on their victim.

Whilst we do often see similar behaviour in abusive relationships where digital and physical monitoring behaviours are present, stalking occurs where there is no relationship. Stalking can start after the end of a relationship, however for the victim the relationship is no longer there – the stalker is trying to impose that relationship and contact on their victim regardless of whether they want it. It is also important to understand that not all stalking is perpetrated by ex-partners. There are many reasons why someone may stalk someone else. A stalker could be an ex-partner, a previous friend, a colleague, a neighbour, an acquaintance or a stranger.

Due to the nature of stalking, all stalking incidents are different and create a long term pattern of behaviour. This behaviour can last for a number of weeks, months and unfortunately even years. In place since 2012, Stalking legislation in England and Wales outlines examples of behaviours that we often see throughout stalking conduct. The behaviours include, but are not limited to, watching or spying on someone, following them, contacting them directly or via other people, loitering and interfering with property.

What can you do if you think you are being stalked?

If you think you are being stalked:

• Keep a record of what is happening, including screenshots/copies of all messages, texts, pictures sent etc.
• Keep a timeline of the conduct and how it makes you feel. Write down if you have had to change any of your routines and how the behaviour has affected your day to day life.
• Consider backing up emails and messages by using Dropbox or setting up a completely separate, secure email address to forward information on to so that it is safely stored. You can take screenshots and store these too.
• Take photos of any physical evidence and keep them as well to give to the police if needed.
• Consider reporting to the police. We understand that the idea of reporting to the police can be a scary thought and may not be right for everyone. Our stalking advocates at Aurora New Dawn are available to discuss this process and support you if you do decide to report at any time.
• Consider your online privacy settings and devices. We have also written a cyber-stalking blog that provides some great tips of ways to ensure that you have the knowledge to keep safe online should you be afraid that you are being stalked.
• Talk to those you trust about the situation. We know it can be difficult to open up to those around you about what you are going through and you may have concerns around this. Your trusted ones will be able to provide you with a support network and may be able to help come up with ideas to keep you safe.
• If you are concerned about your safety at work, have a discussion with your workplace to make them aware of the situation. There may be extra safeguarding that your workplace can assist with, such as car park space closer to the building or an escort to your car after work. Not everyone feels comfortable beginning this conversation so this is something we can support with or can even have the conversation with your workplace on your behalf.
• You may wish to consider buying a Ring doorbell camera or CCTV for your property.
• Download the Hollie Guard app – the app can be downloaded directly from your phone’s app store.
• Register your number with the emergency SMS service which means you can contact 999 via text message. More information on how this works and how to set this up can be found here

Where can you get help?

If you are concerned that you are being stalked or would like to speak to anyone about these issues please do not hesitate to contact us at Aurora New Dawn. We are here to offer support to all victims of supporting. We are here and we believe you.

Contact Number – 02392 479 254

24 hour helpline – 02394 216 816

We are also available via all social media outlets – just DM us.

• Facebook
• Twitter

Helpful websites for stalking issues:

Aurora’s Stalking Service	https://www.aurorand.org.uk/services/help-stalker
Paladin – National Stalking Advocacy Service	https://paladinservice.co.uk/
Cyber Stalking Helpline	https://www.thecyberhelpline.com/cyberstalking-action-plan
National Stalking Helpline	https://www.suzylamplugh.org/refer-someone-to-us
South East Regional Organised Crime Unit	https://serocu.police.uk/individuals/

Over the years, Disney princess relationships to men have frequently been depicted to us and our children. While some of these can be healthy, many a Disney princess has found herself in a toxic, abusive relationship. Here, we will explore the 7 worst relationships Disney princesses have found themselves in.

The 7 Worst Disney Princess Relationships

Jasmine and Aladdin, Aladdin 1992

Jasmine begins the story dreaming of no longer being a princess, escaping both the palace and her obligation to marry. Aladdin begins the story dreaming of living in the palace with the wealth and status of being Sultan. The story ends with Jasmine, in the palace, choosing to marry Aladdin, who consequently will be elevated to the heir of the Sultanate. Who wins?

Aladdin is a Disney cartoon filled with problematic men. The Sultan wants to marry off Jasmine to appease the law (which he later points out is actually dictated by him) and Jafar wants to marry Jasmine for the status it would give him. Aladdin is quite happy to weigh in on this by masquerading as a prince in order to win her hand. Jasmine best summarises the relationship between her and the men of the movie when she says:

‘All of you, standing around deciding my future? I am not a prize to be won!’

Not enough attention is paid to the fact that Aladdin stalks Jasmine. He lets himself into her bedroom at night because he has decided he wants to see her. Although Jasmine tells him to go away, this behaviour is not seen as a red flag. Furthermore, Aladdin decides to break the promise he made to free a friend (the Genie) who is enslaved, he does this in order to maintain a lie about his identity. Let me just repeat that so it can sink in:

• Aladdin is keeping a friend imprisoned.
• The friend doesn’t want to enable Aladdin to lie to Jasmine, but Aladdin is forcing him to do it anyway.
• Aladdin is basically catfishing Jasmine.

Disney princess relationship message: Stalking is romantic and you shouldn’t worry too much if your partner has lied about his identity throughout the early stages of your relationship.

Cinderella and the Prince, Cinderella 1950



Unlike other relationships on this list, there is no serious issue between Cinderella and the prince, beside the Disney trope that having set eyes on each other just once they are ready to make an informed decision about a commitment to marriage, wait, maybe that is problematic.

The biggest fault with Disney’s Cinderella seems to be that the story teaches young children, especially girls, that ‘if you tolerate an abusive home environment with an air of selflessness, then the world will reward you.’ Cinderella does not take action to improve her situation, even though she is clearly unhappy living with her abusive stepmother and sisters.

As a result? Her fairy godmother appears and saves her. Later she is locked away by her step family, as a result? The prince appears to save her.

Disney princess relationship message: Do nothing and you will receive everything. Not only does this message discourage independence and self-autonomy, but also encourages tolerance of abuse.

Snow White and Merlin, Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs 2019

Where to begin with Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs (A parody remake of Snow White)? The film is aimed at children and seems to want to teach them that you can be beautiful without conforming to social norms of beauty. Honourable concept. The problem is that it is not until 80 minutes in, about 5 minutes before the movie’s end that this is expressed.

The central male protagonist, Merlin, is entirely selfish only interested in using Snow White because she is beautiful (by socially conforming standards) and he wants her to kiss him to break a curse:

‘You’re a gift, a gift that will transform me into someone amazing’.

You see its all about him, she is there to serve his agenda… until the last 5 minutes of the movie.

Merlin’s friends fight over her for the same reason, competing to see who can get a kiss from her first. Merlin constantly points out body form, labelling people ‘short and chubby’, ‘on the big side’ etc. Merlin’s companion says, ‘Of course, she’s a princess, how could she be so beautiful if she weren’t?’ / ‘I knew a girl this pretty couldn’t possibly be a criminal!’ You see, only beautiful girls can be princesses and they couldn’t be criminals. I roll my eyes and facepalm in exasperation.

I imagine that one should argue that the humour in ‘Red shoes and the seven dwarfs’ is satirical. But how many children are going to recognise this? My 6-year-old barely understands the jokes from penguin bars. She’s basically going to be exposed to 80 minutes of protagonists ridiculing anyone whoever is not standardly beautiful and praising all those who are.

Disney princess relationship message: Beauty is to be valued above all (Except in the last 5 minutes of the movie).

Snow White and the Prince, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs 1937

So little do we know about the prince that he actually has no name beyond ‘the prince’, probably because he appears very briefly at the start to serenade Snow White and at the end to non-consensually kiss her while she sleeps. Speaking of kissing, the narrator explicitly states that:

‘The prince, who had searched far and wide, heard of the maiden who slept in the glass coffin.’

That’s it? There is never any suggestion that he believes it will ‘break the magic spell and resurrect her’ if he does it. The prince heard of a sleeping maiden in a glass coffin and decided to go find her and kiss her? That is definition sexual predator behaviour; targeting a victim who appears vulnerable ^[1].

Remember how I mentioned earlier that the prince serenaded Snow White and then later, while she slept, he sought her out to sexually assault her ^[2] and then take her away to marry him? Well, this behaviour could classify the prince as a power-reassurance rapist; a rapist who believes the victim has a sexual interest in him and that through the use of force the victim will grow to like him (Craissati, 2005) ^[3].

Disney princess relationship message: You are lucky to be married by a stranger who sexually assaults you while you sleep.

Mulan and Li Shang, Mulan 1998



There’s a lot to love about the character Mulan in the original Disney 1998 cartoon. She riles against the sex based oppression of the time. When tested, she rises to the occasion earning the respect of most of her male companions… and this is the problem with Li Shang, her love interest.

When the men discover Mulan is a woman, they all react differently. The ‘gang of three’ (Yao, Ling, and Chien Po) have come to respect Mulan and recognise her as an equal, they try to protect her when Li Shang threatens her and later pay tribute to her by masquerading as women in the story climax. Li Shang on the other hand, draws a sword, threatening to kill her. He makes it clear that the only reason he won’t kill her is because she saved his life:

‘A life for a life. My debt is repaid.’

Wow, how magnanimous of Li Shang… equating Mulan saving his life to him not killing her for being a woman.

When Mulan later tries to warn Li Shang that the Huns will attack, Li Shang tells her to go away and says he won’t trust her. The implication is he does not trust her because she is a woman. It is only after Mulan’s actions have been sanctioned by the Emperor, the custodian of the sex oppressive institution, that Li Shang changes his tune.

Disney princess relationship message: Forgive men who are a product of the institution and seriously consider murdering you for being a female!

Ariel and Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid 1989



At the age of 16, mermaid Ariel changes the way she looks and literally gives up her voice to marry prince Eric 3 days after meeting him without ever had a meaningful dialogue with him. Ariel and Eric are drawn to each other by pure physical attraction, (even though Eric doesn’t recognise Ariel the second time he sees her) and Ariel wants to be with him on the land.

Ariel strikes a deal with Ursula; Ursula will give her the ability to go on land in exchange for her voice. Ursula tells her:

‘You’ll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don’t underestimate the importance of body language! Ha! …It’s she who holds her tongue who gets her man’

Sadly, Eric confirms Ursula’s perception. When he comes across Ariel, naked but for a torn sail, washed up on the beach, his interest in her being the girl of his dreams outweighs his concern for her predicament and he takes her home with him. Eventually Ariel regains her voice, they kiss and marry. As audience members, we see them marry without ever having a meaningful communication to each other and without learning who each other is (Eric didn’t even know she was a mermaid until just before we see them marry).

Disney princess relationship message: Dramatically change your physical appearance and remain silent to be with a man.

Belle and the Beast, Beauty and the Beast 1991

Really nothing can top the awfulness of Belle’s relationship with the beast. The beast is verbally abusive, physically intimidating, voyeuristic, and literally keeps her locked up. The Beast’s behaviour mirrors a classic domestic abuse cycle:

• Tension phase: ‘Worrying or in fear of what if’ – When Belle won’t have dinner with him he responds: ‘…then go ahead and STARVE!!!! (to Lumiere and Cogsworth) If she doesn’t eat with me, then she doesn’t eat at all!’.
• Crisis phase: ‘The blow up / worse than before / fear for your safety’ – When the beast comes across Belle in the forbidden west wing, he shouts at her and smashes furniture to the point that Belle fearfully begs him to stop before attempting to run away.
• Calm phase: ‘I love you’ – After the Beast rescues Belle from wolves, they return to the castle, the Beast blames the situation on Belle (classic perpetrator behaviour: ‘…if you hadn’t run away, this wouldn’t have happened!… you shouldn’t have been in the West Wing!’) But then treats Belle with love by gifting her his library.

The above cycle of violence is a model developed to help understand the co-existence of loving with abusive behaviours. You can learn more about this cycle here or from the book ‘The Battered Woman’ by Lenore Walker.

Professor Liz Kelly has done a great deal of research into coercive control, her work on the 6 cycles of coercive control is used by Aurora New Dawn in their training*. What is frightening about Beauty and the Beast is that when you consider the Beast and then look at the Power and Control wheel, it is like a checklist of the Beast’s behaviour!



It only makes matters worse that when Belle is alone in her bedroom, the Beast uses a magic mirror to watch her.

Disney princess relationship message: You’re lucky to be entrapped in a domestic abuse relationship with a violent controlling voyeur.

* If you would like to find out more about Aurora New Dawn’s training programmes, please get in touch or visit our training programmes page.

Not the worst Disney Princess relationship

Aurora and Prince Philip, Sleeping Beauty 1959: Sleeping Beauty does get a lot of flak. However, when prince Philip first met Aurora in the woods, he didn’t pull anything creepy on her and seemed to genuinely want to get to know her. Later, Maleficent captures him and whilst taunting him she explains that only ‘true love’s kiss’ can wake Aurora. So, I’m willing to cut his non-consensual kiss of sleeping beauty some slack as he did kill a dragon to get to Aurora and believed kissing her would save her… unlike the creepy sex pest in Snow White.

Why do these Disney Princess relationships matter?

These Disney princess relationships matter more than we may think. The relationships act as an example to young children throughout the world and have the power to affect their behaviour and shape their vision of the world. Especially, if it is us the adults who are endorsing them.

Disney’s target market

While Disney brands itself as family oriented, it is no Disney primarily focuses it’s marketing on boys and girls aged 4 to 12 ^[4].

Movie	Recommended age [5]
Aladdin	6+
Cinderella	5+
Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs	7+
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs	5+
Mulan	5+
Little Mermaid	5+
Beauty and the Beast	6+

Without getting too dramatic about all of this, a child’s formative years are from age 0 to 8. ^[6] Which means that we can see an overlap between the most crucial and vulnerable age for child development and Disney marketing.

Child viewing habit facts

Here are a few light facts on the amount of time children can spend exposed to cartoons and messages from them.

• Children between the age of 2 and 5 watch cartoons for up to 32 hours per week. While those aged between 6 and 11 will watch around 28 hours a week. ^[7]
• 53% of those children aged between 7 and 12 watch TV without parental supervision. ^[8]

Of course, we all are different and allow our children access to TV and film for different amounts of time and at different ages. However, there is no denying that ‘the screen’ takes a certain place in our children’s lives.

The effect of cartoons on children

As mentioned earlier, there is an overlap between Disney’s target market and a child’s formative years. Furthermore, Disney is specifically targeting the youngest in our society as they go through ‘primary socialisation’.

Primary socialisation occurs between birth and puberty and is the period of time when a human first begins to learn social rules and conventions. It is the most influential development period as it is when a child will learn the values, attitudes, taboos, and behaviours of social culture ^[9].

Social psychology also states that during primary socialisation children shape their behaviour as their ideas of the roles of women and men being received ^[10].

Children imitate what they see on screen, the content affects their moral and social values, and gender differentiation (Ghilzai, Shazia & Alam, Rabia & Ahmad, Zubair & Shaukat, Amina & Shahum, Syeda & Noor, 2017) ^[11].

The worst messages Disney Princesses send our children

Given that the research above demonstrates that:

• Children spend a considerable amount of time watching cartoons.
• Children are vulnerable to messaging about social values.

Should we not worry about the messages which Disney princess relationships offer? Especially considering that we live with a culture of male violence against women:

• 137 women are killed by a family member each day ^[12].
• It is estimated that less than 40% of women who experience violence seek help ^[13].
• Globally, 1 in 3 women will be the victim of domestic abuse ^[14].
• In 2018, 3.1% of women (510,000) and 0.8% of men (138,000) aged 16-59 were the victims of sexual assault ^[15].
• 5 in 6 victims (83%) of sexual assault not reporting their experiences to the police ^[16].

It only takes one look at the Femicide census to see the terrifying toll male violence has been taking on women and therefore why we need to be very conscious of what we teach our children, both boys and girls.

Speaking for myself, my daughter struggles to understand complex forms of humour such as parody or satire. She tends to take a lot of messages at face value. So, whether it be Ursula telling Ariel that she doesn’t need a voice to communicate as long as she has a pretty face or Merlin endlessly expressing beauty as the most important value… my daughter is simply going to take at face value any messages which she doesn’t recognise due to their nuance.

More importantly, I do not want to be sitting alongside my daughter telling her:

‘The Beast is not so bad… he’s just a bit sad… Belle should stick with him!’

‘You’ve got to understand, Li Shang is just doing his job, the rules are the rules, Mulan knew that when she signed up.’

I would rather avoid these movies, but if that isn’t possible, I’d challenge her:

‘Do you think its OK for Aladdin to walk into Jasmine’s bedroom (late in the evening/night) without asking?’

‘Why is Ariel giving up her voice and changing the way she looks…? Why doesn’t Eric make some changes too? Why doesn’t he become a merman?’

‘Do you think its OK for the prince to kiss Snow White? He doesn’t even know her and she’s asleep.’

‘Do you think its OK for the Beast to shout at her? Scare her? Watch her in her bedroom through a magic mirror without her knowing?’

Our Responsibility

Overall, this is about more than just some outdated Disney cartoons, there are plenty of cartoons, films, TV shows which send inappropriate messages to children. There is also a deeper issue that reaches into two core behaviours of parents.

Firstly, we have to be vigilant to messaging. If a cartoon is signalling that even though you are unhappy to be abused by your step family, you should sit at home and wait for something magical to happen, isn’t it our responsibility as parents to challenge that and suggest an alternative to our children?

Secondly, we have to be careful what messages we are sending our kids. If I tell my daughter, ‘The Beast is just misunderstood’, then she will interpret that as me promoting tolerance in the face of abuse.

If not Disney Princesses then what?

So, now that I have ruined 7 beloved children’s movies, I have 7 recommendations of replacements that show positive (or at worst neutral) representations of both men and women.

Carmen Sandiego 2019 to 2021

Hard to summarise in a few words: An animated TV show about Carmen, an orphan girl who is found, raised, and trained by an institute of villains to be a master thief. Upon realising the true nature of the institute, she goes rogue and seeks to right their wrongs. Foiling their plans, stealing back what has been stolen in order to return them. The show is funny, exciting, and educational. Furthermore, it has introduced to my daughter a heroine who falters and faces adversity, but doesn’t give up.

Dora and the Lost City of Gold 2019

A live action Dora the explorer. This movie introduces us to a young girl, different to others, who refuses to compromise on who she is. Dora and the Lost City of Gold is an action comedy that sweeps up a group of school kids and takes them on a jungle adventure.

Matilda 1996

Based on the classic Roald Dahl novel. Matilda refuses to accept her place in the world; living with a neglectful family and bullied by a school teacher. She uses her intelligence and a little magic to get even and help a kind-hearted teacher.

Home 2015

A family, comedy, buddy movie about an alien who becomes friends with a little girl. The girl has lost her mum and goes on a quest across the globe to reunite with her. This movie promotes family values and determination… and has a great soundtrack which my daughter made me buy her.

Abominable 2019

A young girl befriends a lost Yeti and embarks on a journey to reunite it with its family. Along the way she learns to make peace with her past. Abominable is beautiful to watch and filled with good natured messages, humour, and adventure.

Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous 2020

A TV series about a group of kids who visit the Jurassic World island only for the dinosaurs to escape and cause mayhem on the island. The group of kids is made up of nuanced characters, each with their own personal flaws and strengths, who need to learn to work together to overcome adversity.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse 2018

How could animated Spider-Man not be popular among children? There are scenes of action and peril, so keep that in mind when putting it on for younger kids. What makes this movie stand out is not just that the cartoon is well crafted and enjoyable, but that it introduces the first female Spider-Man… Spider-Woman. Gwen is a strong, capable woman for girls to look up to and roleplay as in the playground when the kids want to play superhero games.

About Me

If you would like to know a little more about me, you can read my article on the Bubble of Male Privilege. I consider myself honored to support the female-only team of Aurora New Dawn in the way that I can, by working on their website.

Additional References

Craissati, Jackie. (2005). Sexual violence against women: A psychological approach to the assessment and management of rapists in the community. Probation Journal. 52. 401-422. 10.1177/0264550505058950.

Ghilzai, Shazia & Alam, Rabia & Ahmad, Zubair & Shaukat, Amina & Shahum, Syeda & Noor,. (2017). Impact of Cartoon Programs on Children’s Language and Behavior. ILSC. 2. 104-126.

I, like so many women, have watched the news of Sarah’s disappearance and the subsequent arrest of a serving police officer for her murder. We have all watched with our hearts in our mouths and a beating sense of dread as the story unfolded. Women, every woman, knows that we could have been Sarah. Women in their droves are sharing stories of how they navigate and risk assess daily to try and prevent male violence. We are taught this from a very young age.

My mum taught me the keys in the fist trick at the age of 10 when I wanted to go to the library on my own. I set off with my keys gripped in my hands firmly pointed forward and was followed by a man anyway, who indecently exposed himself to me. I ran to a woman for help and she got me home and safe, she knew. We all know. I won’t be the only girl this has happened to and it wasn’t the first time anyway, a group of my friends and I had already been subjected to a man masturbating at us on the beach… this happened a handful of times before I felt able to speak to my Mum.

I’ve been sexually harassed in broad daylight whilst running, spat on by a random man, groped in clubs and pubs too many times to count, sexually assaulted on the tube on the way to work and I was so frightened I froze, he sneered at me knowing I could do nothing, that I would do nothing…

These are just some of the outside threats, and I have no time or desire to tell you of the experiences I’ve had from men who professed to love me. I don’t tell you these things for sympathy; none of the women sharing their stories are asking for sympathy. We are highlighting the reality that male violence is endemic and the narrative for women is daily and constant:

• Should I go for a run? No. It’s too dark.
• Should I get the bus or take my car? But wait the car park is dark and I know the meeting will end late.
• Should I walk? Should I stay home? Should I wear that? Do I have my emergency £20 at home just in case I get split up from my friends?
• Do I have my rape alarm? Do they even work?
• Take your head phones out
• Don’t look vulnerable
• Don’t make eye contact
• Don’t drink too much
• Don’t flirt too much
• Don’t speak too much
• Don’t laugh too much
• Don’t be too angry
• Don’t wear that, or that, or this
• Text your friend immediately when you get home
• Watch her enter her house – knowing that inside is just as unsafe for so many of us…

I am tired. We women are all tired of this. These aren’t our crimes. These aren’t our burdens to carry. I talked at length this morning to a friend who told me he was ashamed of being a man. Instead of easing his shame I told him he should be. I told him to talk to and challenge his male friends and make them feel the shame too. I told him it is not ok to think you are doing enough by just crossing the street if you are walking behind a woman, that won’t get a pat on the back from me for just doing that, I don’t have the energy or the inclination to tell men I am grateful at the moment. I need (we women need) men to do more, much more!

If all men began to carry the burden, instead of women, then things might begin to change. I know that it isn’t women’s fault and I won’t appease the shame of the male sex by throwing them a rope on this. I’ve done my job for far too long to know that the men who seek to control, scare, rape, torture, prostitute and murder women won’t listen to us. It is time for men to step up and change the behaviours of their own sex.

For now it only remains to say that everyone at Aurora sends their deepest condolences and heartfelt love to Sarah’s friends and family.

Shonagh Dillon CEO – Aurora

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